I'm soo tired.

The kids had their autumn holiday.
The first days went rather well, considering that their dad was at home too.
But after that!!

Their dad started to get bored with homelife, so he got irritated by everything.
What a pity he's not brave enough to pack his bags and leave. But he was brave enough to yell at the kids and hurt me in my heart.
I hate it when people look down on me.
No need to look up to me, but don't look down on me!!!

He even put me down in the waitingroom of the dentist.
Well, I was just one little thought away from getting completely angry:
"he's making a fool of himself."

I might get dependent on the rest my new dentist radiates. LOL!

Ofcourse my auti-boy couldn't cope with all the unrest in the house.
He got plenty of angry fits.

I'm now counting the days to the 4th, when they start medication.
There is no other way dealing with him, unless I want him to go to an institution.
I keep struggling with that.
But at home I'm his controler. I can't be at school too.


Banged my head against another group.
Really felt at home in a group of mothers of such children.
Well, one considered it well to just copy a mail and send it to a politician, with her name under it.
I can't believe people are so stupid and so disrespectfull.
"You have such a good way to put things in words", was her explanation.
Yea....that's why I earned part of my living with writing a couple of years ago!!!
But you won't go into a photographers gallery and take out a photo and send it to a politician with your name under it, "because he has such a good way....".

So I got angry.... When I make a mistake I say sorry..... At least!!!
I told her to inform the politician about the wrong name under the text.
Well... she finally offered some form of an appology....

Wrote something on my blog.... very vague... it might have even been a coincidence with her action... and the group-owner told me off.
She felt hurt.
Well... I just don't understand why.

I'm allowed to write on my blog that I feel awkward even after an appology.

It really got to me.

Every time I feel at home with people something really big comes up.

Well, maybe I take it heavy because some of my friends, real friends, are going through a rough time.

I hate it that money...the lack of it, means I can't even go to them and give them a good huggg.

¶ Saturday, October 22, 2005 //
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This day lasts too long and the other one starts too early.
I can't sleep and the night is a brick wall around me.

Two of my friends are struggling with their health in such a way that I can almost feel them near me.
They live at the other side of the world. Out of reach of a good talk, a hugg and a smile.
And more of the same.

Pieces of conversation go through my mind.
I should stop trying to change the world into a better place, trying to wake up those who seem to sleep and don't care anymore.
But something inside me stands up each day and makes me fight the system of long waiting lists for children in need.

My auti is at home. He couldn't cope with school anymore.
Had two talks with the new psychologist. A nice young girl, wanting far too much.
Making the most stupid remark one can make before starting therapy: "These children almost never can change."

I didn't even react when the remark was glued inside my brain.

He needs medication.
So I tried to get him take the appointment of my ADHD-son with the psychiatrist.
They didn't accept that.

We should visit his case manager first. She will be back in a fortnight after the autumn holiday.

So I wrote in a mail that he would stay at home untill medication is started.

Got a mail back today. His case manager wasn't available untill december, and he now can visit another doc at november 4th.

I can't believe our society treats children that way.

I'm just too tired to tell about the oldest and about my dyslectic girl.

Got an invite for the flueshot wednesday 26th.

Part of the amazone area is desert now.

¶ Friday, October 14, 2005 //
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I wonder when there's time for living. LOL! Spend time last week at the psychiatry department with the oldest. He needs official assessment to get educational support at his new school. Got two young wannabee docs to assess him: one student, and a psychiatrist in training. Ofcourse the last one mumbled inaudible what her function was. (No problem, I'm a professional long enough to understand that's probably her first time supervising a student and maybe even her first time alone with a patient too.)LOL! Ofcourse they didn't know what to do with big momma present. Haha!!! He's only half a year beyond the lower limit of adult psychiatry and I doubt if he understands what's going on with him. I've never witnessed such a bad session. And I've seen auite some when I was in training. They started out 20 minutes late with their first patient of the day, and got into a dispute with me within 5 minutes. It's protocol to have a physical and bloodworks. Well, we're not living in junkie-town, and he knows how bad beer tastes, and that's it. So he refused, and I agreed with him. Asked for the indication for the physical and bloodworks. "Protocol". "Well, as that's not on the list of indications of the insurance." Hhaha!!! Ever been looking at a young wannabee psychiatrist and a nearly autistic 19 year old? "Do you know why you're here?" "Mwaaah...yea...think so..." (At home he can talk!!!) "What kind of therapy do you need?" "Dunno" "How do others perceive you?" "Dunno. Think they think I'm quiet." Then a whole list of questiones they hardly got an answer on... "Can you make decisions swiftly?" (They should know the answer already...LOL!) "Mwah... dunno... maybe..." (Oh... my body was siting there quietly, but my mind was roling from laughter all over the place. Never had so much amusement as that morning! LOL!) So then they wanted to have a talk together and kicked us out. Hello!!!! This is not how it should be.... When they came to get my son, I got a huge pile of questionaires again. Already expected them to get rid of me, because when they failed to ask the right questions I waited a while and then put them in the middle of the room myself. They told me they would talk with me later and the psychiatrist would come too. A hell of a back-aging time later my son came out. He had fun, because the session had been with the wannabee doc alone and it had been very quiet. "Not much of a questions enables me not much to say." We had a good laugh... He pointed out what they had forgotten...goooood! Also told that the psychiatrist had been in for about 3 minutes, asked some questions from the questionnaire and left. (So that's not on the bill then. Or will be taken from it after a call from me.) When called in they told me they knew enough and we could make a new appointment to hear the diagnosis. ?????????? "Are you sure you know enough?" "Yes" "Really sure?" "Yes, so you can make an app...." "Wait" "You don't know it all... As a matter of fact you're far from knowing it all." "But...." "Diagnosis isn't reading a questionnaire and writing down the answers. It's about observing and creatively asking questions. Do you know how he cares for himself? I have to ask him to wash his hair over and over again. He almost only changes clothes when I tell him to do so. Not once, but over and over again. When I hand him over dirty socks he puts them beside him and keeps on eating sweets and computering and the socks are still there three days later... We're very worried he'll never be able to life on his own". It was like their tongues came out of their mouths. So another pile of questionaires was handed over to complete at home and send to them". I wonder how on earth they would have been able to draw conclusions if time had been spend on a physical and such too. Then I asked to call the school about the diagnosis as soon as they knew something, even without having spoken to us, or put in writing. School needs a diagnosis to continue support. Wow, that was a problem!!! The discussion ended in me saying: "He's got ADD and if he doesn't get a diagnosis that is ADD or something in that direction, I'll fight the diagnosis." "You will?????" "Yes. I'm a psychologist and he's got ADD and a disorder in the autism area. I don't care what you put there... He needs support at school at least." I guess they don't like me...LOL!!!!! ========== Went to the open day of the bagpipes band. It was great!!! Never been on my butt so long a time at ona stretge.... Sat there all afternoon looking and listening and having a great time. Drank two beers that were offered to me and enjoyed the faces of the girls who had as much a good time as I had. After that send the girls home with their dad and stayed for the cold buffet. Which was OK. Got far more beer and decided not to take my diabetsmeds as I supposed the beer would do their work. "Checked my blood and yes!!" Got "knighted" as a member. They nearly couldn't hold the sword as I was knighted for my girls too. So now I'm officially a bagpipe-pupil. The evening was great. Good band with lots of folksongs and such. Sang along a lot, as did the others. But I had to leave suddenly as I had to go back by bus and Jim phoned me they had rescheduled the lot and left the last one out. ..... Instead of joining the band on stage, I had to say no and leave running. Caught the bus on time though and was home in time to tell two of the boys who had been to the fair that I expected them home earlier next time. (They were home at a rather decent time, but hey...keep the pressure on with them!) The best news is that I'll probably have the chance to start the dance department of the band-school. Scottish dances. (So anyone wanting me to give advice..please do. I'm looking for an e-group with scottish dance teachers). I feel thrilled. never thought I'd ever have my own group again and now it tumbles in my lap like that. I already told them they had to do the moneywork, as I'm bad with that, but I'm a darn good teacher. I'm very happy with that new direction in life and I'm going to do it, even though I'm not sure I'll have enough time. I need to.. I feel such a failure as a mother. I know with my mind I'm a good one, so don't fall all over me telling me I'm great and such. The last weeks I've been wishing my oldest would go to a family home for kids with special needs. He comes home from school and is very nice, then goes upstairs to his computer and stays there. I have to tell him everything a hundred times. He is perfectly able to clean his room, but he just doesn't. He's able to do everything, but I need to remeber him, as he forgets everything. He messed up his last schoolyear and we're in moneyproblems because he forgot to apply for money. Lied to us he had.. I'm so tired to be the agenda, conscience and brains for him. He needs to be able to lead a proper life even when I'm not aorund and if he doesn't want to learn that from me he needs to go into a therapeutic setting. And I feel bad.. He seemed to be such a normal bright kid with a great future.... Tomorrow I'll be meeting the psychotherapist of my auti. She agreed seeing her without our youngest son present. I want to speak out, without thinking how to put things into words and without being carefull not to hurt him. === Applied for a place at the ADD conference in Dallas Texas at the end of the month. We here have the system that we have open places with registry and travel fee from abroad for two to three people. Guess they don't have such a sytem. Pity, I sure could have told them interesting things...... It would have meant being able to stay with one of my best online friends and maybe even see others. I want to see some of my online friends. Andrena, I need your sugadaddy!! Huggggsss

¶ Tuesday, October 04, 2005 //
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